Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
