My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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