Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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