My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
