you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
