I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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