i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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