I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
