So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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