So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
