I puked a lego.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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