I cannot find my penis.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
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