don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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