I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
