I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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