All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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