I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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