I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
