Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Randomize
