I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
