just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
