the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
