And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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