dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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