I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Randomize
