It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I got inside last night via doggy door
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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