so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
