I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I enjoy the company of your penis
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
