just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
