i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
