Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
