when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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