how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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