Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Let's get the cat blown out
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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