wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
