i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
