it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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