He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
