you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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