I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
