2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
