Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
