apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
3 2 1 whiskey
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
