it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Randomize
