if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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