Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
