I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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