she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
