im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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