she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Also, beer. Big fan.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
