I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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