i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
