just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
