made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
