You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
