Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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