Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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