God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
